I Have to Ask...

This picture is one of my favorites. Our youngest son wore these goggles as a toddler every day. At the dinner table. In the bathtub. To the grocery store. Yep, I let him. Sometimes my husband would wear a pair with him at home, just to make him happy. Fond memories.

I have to ask this question because it has bothered me for a couple of years. If you are at all involved in adoption, and the adoption world, you will understand I hope. In some circles of families who adopt alot, maybe this question has already been dealt with, but for the rest of us, I think it's valid and needs to be brought up.

I believe in adoption. But I know firsthand it's a huge risk. Emotionally takes a toll. What sometimes people don't realize is the depth of pain involved in loss. Loss for the adopted child, certainly. That does get brought up, still, probably not enough, especially in foster care situations. But what about the family that adopts? I'm specifically talking about the adoption of older children, and by families with their own biological children already. What about the loss the biological children feel? Think about it; they lose their family- as it once was. It forever changes, never to be the same. We talk about that sometimes, right? But could you ever really know what it's like until it's already happening? Trust me, it's one of those things you can't anticipate if things go south. I mean badly.

And why the guilt and shame? "How could you be so selfish? That poor little child had nothing/nobody/etc. and you have always had..._________fill in the blank.

Since when is the sense of loss and abandonment of an adopted child more valid and important than that of a child who lost his/her family life to a major change. It really is a loss. Things that were a certain way are now changed, never to return. Think it through.

 Who in the world is to say that one loss is greater than the other when an adoption happens and goes wrong? From a kid's perspective some other kid comes in, takes up alot of room, and emotionally speaking maybe most of the room. The family is drastically different and this kid doesn't appreciate it and makes trouble and causes grief and the parents are focused on that one, their energies are in that direction and their time is not only divided but also mostly somewhere else. It's a loss! They no longer have the cozy family life they once had. No longer the attention, the sense of closeness and intimacy at times.

I just had to ask, who says that the biological kids in that situation should be ashamed for feeling loss? For wishing life had never been so terribly altered? That they are selfish for wishing it had never happened? I have to ask- what do you think? I'm open to an honest answer.