Have you ever been so aware of your own inadequacy and lack that it chews at your guts?
I mentioned a little baby boy that needs a home. Well after arranging for him to come spend the night I was up all night with a screaming newborn with reflux issues from being born 6 weeks premature. I got to bed after 3 am, right before my husband's alarm went off for work. I laid there feeling my throat get more sore and my head ache harder by the hour. I caught the cold the kids had just gotten over. I don't usually get sick but I have been scarfing chocolate daily. And cinnamon rolls. Sugar sucks immunity away. I know better.
I laid in bed feeling sick and exhausted and worried. How can I take on another baby? I can't. My limits are staring me in the face and I feel so awful.
My daughter is due to have her first baby in two weeks. I need to be there for her. My other kids all need me too- and oh ya, I still have a husband. Poor guy.
If only I were rich and could hire people to cook and clean and tutor... Even then there wouldn't be enough of me to go around.
I know it's not fair to try to take this little boy. Not to him, and not to the rest of my family and not even to me. It's killing me though. I haven't given up. I don't know why but I keep thinking there has to be a way. I'm going to pray to my Mighty and concerned and all- knowing God for help and advice. I'm going to try to sleep tonight and not chew on this problem over and over again, trying to figure out how to make it okay. I can't. But God can and that's where I have to leave this. In a puddle of my tears and a snotty tissue or two.