I Have Attachment Issues

 

It had been a particularly hard day. Well, I'll be honest and say it had been a rough few days.

She put her little hand out and patted me, "mamma, you're my girl."

I remembered I had said that to her affectionately before the "honeymoon" phase was over.

I groaned inwardly because I couldn't stir those feelings up again.

I feel like I'm the one with attachment disorder lately. Believe me, you can get like that when you wake up to attachment issues right where you live every day.

 

This isn't easy. Lately we have dealt with behavior and issues that we just don't know what to do with. Don't want to deal with. Sometimes I want to bag out of this. Thinking of the future frightens me. I ask myself what it will look like when this little person isn't so cute anymore as a 12 or 13 year old treating me with contempt and disrespect, acting our in self destructive ways that make me lose sleep and grind my teeth.

 

Why don't I worry as much about those things with my other not-bio kids? Because I dealt with it to some degree or other with my bio kids, because we have strong attachments and because love covers a multitude of sins is completely true. (1 Peter 4:8)

So I'm in prayer mode. Feel free to pray too.

 

 

Where Would They Be?

This morning, dirty from barn chores and milking, I was standing in the bathroom getting ready for a shower, I happened to look out the window and ended up watching my little kids for a bit. Heart in throat. They were riding around the circular drive on trikes and having a great time on a beautiful, warm, fall morning. I watched them, happy squeals and smiles. Safe. Living happily in the country- romping around freely, surrounded by fruit and horse ranches. Neighbors that watch out for each other. Far from town, and a quarter of a mile even from the nearest road. Which is dirt. Sees more action from ATVs and horses than cars some days. Safe. I kept thinking how safe they are now. Where they came from they were so unsafe.

 

 I couldn't help asking myself where would they be in their lives right now if the Lord hadn't intervened in their stories. Living in the ghetto inner city without grass to play on because a couple of drunk vagrants are passed out there? (I see it all the time when I'm downtown) Not safe. Living in a drug house still? Molested? So many different ugly possibilities.

 

 Where would we be? Quiet. I like quiet. I can't lie.

But I have always known I was going to adopt. I would wonder and think about my "missing" children my entire life, had I stopped at my biological children.

My husband wouldn't be living up to his full potential. He adores his little brood. We have 6 children. The older are biological and the younger aren't. Someone once referenced my bio kids as my "real" kids. They are all real. They are all my real kids. Wasn't that weird? People say things without thinking sometimes.

 

 

 



 
 I'm just feeling grateful today that the Lord has done this amazing, exhausting thing in my life.

Our family is SO not perfect. But God is kind, and He allowed us to love some little sparrows who needed homes. My nest is full and I'm raising my babies at the Lord's altars.

 

 

Even the sparrow finds a home,

    and the swallow a nest for herself,
    where she may lay her young,
at your altars, O Lord of hosts,
    my King and my God.

Psalm 84:3

 

The beautiful necklace you can see here.

Important Things

 

Keeping in Mind the Important Things

Feb. 2013

(this was a message I shared with our homeschool group)

I’ll be honest: I’m tired, dry, and often overwhelmed lately. SO much so that I completely forgot about getting a speaker for tonight. To top it off I had no topic in mind.

About a week ago I remembered this was coming up and I panicked! Out loud. My husband looked over at me and said, “Dalyn, why don’t you ladies just talk about what’s really important?”

I knew exactly what he was talking about because he reminds me all the time-

Whenever the house is a mess (OFTEN) and I get stressed about it.

When I have juggled sick or crabby babies and appointments all day (OFTEN) and haven’t even thought of what to make for dinner-(AGAIN)- and start to feel like the world’s worst homeschool mom because I’ve sent Ben off to figure out an assignment for himself (AGAIN)because I’m too busy or too tired to even think. I’m up at night with fussy babies and up early to feed the preschooler and toddler and exhausted by 9 AM.

Or I’m feeling condemned because I haven’t been able to sit down and read my Bible for days (AGAIN)- Doug says, “Dalyn, quit complaining, so you don’t get to read it? You’re living it!” 

And that’s the point right there- we are living life with our families-either faithful to God’s Word or not.

Our families- husband and kids- are more important than the laundry,

The dirty dishes,

The lack of sleep or messy house.

It’s the people who live and visit inside the house that are important.

Just this week I had a friend call me sobbing- one of her adult sons was leaving home for the first time and going to work in another state. She knew it was time for him to go and work out being a man-  but all she could think of watching him drive away was that she wished she had held him and hugged him more- wished she hadn’t cared about the housework for one minute- wished she didn’t have a bunch of regrets and where in the world did the time go? It seems there’s never enough time with our kids when they’re older…days when they are little it seems there’s too much time, right?  J

We women are the heart of the home. Our kids will leave home with memories. Hopefully good ones- about traditions and rituals, and favorite meals and comfort and security. We women build community and family. We make or break the whole operation. It’s a heavy responsibility, but more than that it’s an amazing privilege.

We can see that when our priorities are in line with God’s.

Do you remember when Pharaoh ordered all the Hebrew baby boys born to be killed at birth? The midwives who were given those orders disobeyed. Then they made the excuse to Pharaoh that the reason they hadn’t been killing those babies was because the Hebrew women were more vigorous than the Egyptian women and gave birth before the midwives arrived. Don’t you love that not-so-subtle dig on the Egyptians?

Do you know how the LORD rewarded the midwives? Exodus 1:20 says He rewarded them by giving them their own families!

Today’s modern woman might not appreciate that. As a matter of fact there are a number of feminists that might be offended by God’s idea of a reward.

To be rewarded with a household to care for? Hungry husband, dirty socks? Poopie diapers and dirty dishes?

Doesn’t sound like such a generous gift when you look at it like that, huh? Maybe that’s what’s wrong…focus on the negatives instead of positives. Peanutbutter and jelly fingers instead of hugs with chubby arms and gifts of dandelion flowers from a sincere heart?

Today’s modern woman might rather have the reward of an all -expenses paid vacation away from responsibilities instead. But God sees things differently and we will too when we align our thoughts with His Word. Truth is stranger than fiction. J

One evening not long ago I actually had a bit of free time. Imagine that. I turned to my Bible and an app on my iPhone that has the Strong’s definition of almost all the words in the Bible. I took apart Proverbs 14 and got stuck on 14:1 for an hour. Then I spent a little time on 14:4. These both really spoke to my situation and clarified, at least for me, God’s mind on the matter.

Let me read these to you- (Bible/notes)

 

Proverbs 14:1

“The wise woman builds (BANA- build/by obtaining children) her house (family), but the foolish (silly) pulls I down (destroys) with her own hands (means, power, direction).

Proverbs 14:4

Where no oxen (family) are, the trough(manger,stall) is clean; but much increase (abundance, income, produce) comes by the strength (vigor, force) of an ox.

Now, let me read a paraphrase to you in light of the original meanings of some of those key words:

The woman with God’s wisdom builds her home and family – she obtains children, but the foolish, silly woman destroys her home and family with her own power and means and direction.

14:4 An empty house stays tidy, but abundance comes by the vigor and strength of a family. (think in agrarian and figurative terms)

 

I was given a lot of strength with this little study of mine. It confirmed again the direction my family has taken. James 1:27 in the Amplified versions says this:

External religious worship [religion as it is expressed in outward acts] that is pure and unblemished in the sight of God the Father is this: to visit and help and care for the orphans and widows in their affliction and need, and to keep oneself unspotted and uncontaminated from the world.

I’m often the foolish woman instead of the wise- but when I’m feeling bogged down with my circumstances- dirty diapers and 4 AM feedings and early rising every morning- the Lord and my husband both affirm these as much more important than the ideals I keep in mind:

A sparkling clean house

A well-ordered and directed school day for Ben

A gourmet dinner that I’ve grown and raised from scratch- my hobbies

Those are good things. But they are not the most important.

Back to Ben and homeschooling- he may not be getting a stellar education at this moment in time, but he is learning to live generously James 1:27 among other things. I have no intention of shirking on his education for long. I firmly believe in educating and equipping my children for anything God calls them to- this just happens to be the equipping season I guess.

Ben is a 14 year old boy who:

Reads his Bible on his own

Makes homemade pancakes from scratch for breakfast and sometimes dinner too, because he likes to do it.

Changes poopie diapers without being asked. For real!

Makes me a cup of tea when he sees I’m weary.

Prays with and for his little brother.

These are more valuable to his character than acing the SATs I think  J

See, I’m trying to keep in mind what’s really important.

Everyone has seasons of difficulty and trials and it’s easy to consider giving up when we feel we aren’t doing a good job, or when we feel in over our head.

But God doesn’t raise quitters. He raises up mighty warriors. Much of the language of the Proverbs 31 passage is written with military terms. We women are meant to fight for our families. We do that in so many ways. For one thing we provide the most valuable thing- a comfortable and nurturing environment in which to raise eternal beings entrusted to us by God Himself.

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded….” Hebrews 10:35 a

And we all know how God rewards women who please Him. J

National Adoption Month Thoughts

Our lives as believers are meant for so much more than we let them be in our great country. It's easy to be complacent, even apathetic.  Sometimes I desperately wish I could WAKE UP! (spiritually) then other times I lazily drowse like a fat cat in a sunny window, happy that my life is warm cream and a soft pillow.

 

But it's not like that for everyone. In fact, it's not for a lot of people. The Bible calls them the needy, fatherless, orphans, widows, those in prisons (physical and spiritual)...I think a lot about those people. But I still think of myself more. Lord help me, I don't like it. But what's that verse of Paul's? That which I will I don't do, and that which I don't want to do I do...or something like that- Oh wretched man (woman) that I am!

 

 

Yesterday in my daily Bible reading I came to a verse that zapped me- I mean it slayed me! You might not be as moved as I was over it, but the Holy Spirit was speaking to ME, in MY quiet time (of which there is far too little around here)- the verse is the Lord God Himself illustrating what Knowing Him really is- and isn't that the point of all our Bible reading and church going and sermons, and studies...to KNOW Him?! I felt like I hit the jackpot!

Ready...? here it is:

 

Jeremiah 22:16 He judged the cause of the poor and needy; then it was well. Is not this to know me? declares the LORD.

SO, there you have it in a nutshell. Serve and love others. Take care of the defenseless ones. The proof is in the pudding, so-to-speak.

It brings to mind 1 Corinthians 13

 

1Co 13:1
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
1Co 13:2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
1Co 13:3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
1Co 13:4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
1Co 13:5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
1Co 13:6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
1Co 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1Co 13:8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
1Co 13:9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
1Co 13:10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
1Co 13:11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
1Co 13:12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
1Co 13:13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

and it flat out smacks of James 1:27

 

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

 

and

Pro 28:27 Whoever gives to the poor will not want, but he who hides his eyes will get many a curse.

Can't forget Deuteronomy either...- it's all over the whole Bible for Heaven's sake.

SO, my grand plans about giving up foster care for infants and maybe even adopting again? (so that I can have time for horseback riding, visiting, travel, making cheese, get a tan, work out...blah blah blah) I'm going to have to shelve that for now.

Because I want to wake up and try to remember this:

1Peter 2:9

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy

nation, a people for his own possession, that you may

proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of

darkness into his marvelous light.

 

 

These Little Faces

 

This is why I do what I do.

Foster care has been a gift. Truly.

I'll be real. Sometimes I am exhausted and I feel sorry for myself. I want to ride my horses. I want to make soap and cheese and go away for a weekend with my husband or out to lunch with a friend....or to the bathroom by myself.

But the truth is the Lord has intervened in these little lives and they are happy and beautiful and He has allowed us to be part of that- part of His healing. He sets the lonely in families, He builds houses (spiritually and physically with people too). Lord forgive me for ever complaining about how tired I am! Forgive me for whining about missing out- I'm not missing anything more important.

I am so grateful for these little boys.

Thoughts on True Religion

 

Some resources for general orphan care and adoption here

 

Do you know in my state there are well over 5,000 churches. And there are almost 3,000 children who are legally orphans? How about your state? Do you know? Do you want to know?

 

Do you remember what the Lord considers true religion? Pure and undefiled before God and the Father? It's remembering orphans and widows in their trouble  (James 1:27) and keeping one's self unstained from the world. (culture)

What did Job claim as his proof of righteousness when he felt God had turned His hand against Him and his friends accused him? In Job 29:12-17 Job states: " Because I delivered the poor who cried out, the fatherless and the one who had no helper. The blessing of a perishing man came upon me, and I caused the widows heart to sing for joy. I put on righteousness and it clothed me; my justice was like a robe and a turban. I was eyes to the blind, and I was feet to the lame. I was a father to the poor, and I searched out the case that I did not know. I broke the fangs of the wicked, and plucked the victim from his teeth."

Remember what God said about Job?

"Have you considered My servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, one who fears God and shuns evil?"

 

In this day of various media, it can be overwhelming to read, see and hear about all the social ills and needs in our world. But you know, pray, and ask the Lord to give you one good cause. Take it up and rescue somebody. Even one. Do it with all your might.

For those of you who have been rescued- be grateful and pay it forward. (That would be all of us believers in and followers of Christ- who rescued us from eternal death with His very own blood)

 

Down Home Photo Shoot

Yesterday we were blessed with a free photo shoot! There is an organizatoin called Red Threads Sessions that has a group of photographers who will do a free photo session for adoptive families.

As usual, we were not terribly well prepared nor were we particular about poses or dressed in fancy clothes. We did get some fun shots though and the photographer was a super sweet and patient soul. We had nasty wind and off weather but we had a great time with it all.

These are just a sample of what Jessica did and I thought they were too cute not to share. Besides, you might like to get this lady out to your place and have some good shots too.

Jessica Greenfield's facebook page and her website

Red Threads Sessions

Adoption Day!

These two messed up people met about 22 years ago and stuck it out. After heartaches and much drama, decided to believe Jesus and became:

this wonderful family.(after about 20 years, lots of tears, and lots of mistakes and growth)

Please welcome Cameron James into our family. Our adoption was finalized June 14th!!!

This picture shows us with the same judge who has had Cj's case since he came into foster care. He is rare- he really cares. We were blessed to have our adoption completed in his courtroom instead of going downtown. This man sees all the depressing cases all day, so he loves to be part of the adoptions when possible.

Mamma's Baby

It's happened to every child at one time or another in his life. He inadvertantly hugs the wrong set of legs and then looks up...into a stranger's face!

As any foster or adoptive mom knows, bonding is a touchy subject. One that can cause some definate concern and at times anxiety. Add in any kind of trauma in the child's early life, and well, you might just have a recipe for attachment disaster on your hands. Or not.

I smile here. Because I know- God is good.

Christmas eve we went to the evening service at church. I heard it was a fine message. I don't know, because a certain active little baby boy was not interested in listening, which meant of course, I wasn't going to hear it either. Nor were those in the seats around us. So, we went out to the foyer, where a handful of other chagrined parents were allowing their little ones to run around the tables and floor, to get their wiggles out. I sat in a comfortable seat along the wall and watched my baby play with two darling little asian girls.

 I have always called him "mamma's baby". I wore him in a wrap when he wouldn't attach and I sang to him (poor thing!) and told him he was "mamma's baby and I loved him. I prayed over him constantly when he was an infant suffering from the effects of drugs and neglect. And I told him he was "mamma's baby" because I knew it was vital for him to bond, even if they took him back later, like they said emphatically would happen. So, we all stuck our hearts out there, him included by 7 months old. That was when he bonded. He suddenly wanted to snuggle. He wanted me. He began to put on weight and he began to play. I knew he had bonded. His whole personality changed and he was healed once he bonded.

Back to the Christmas eve service...

As he ran in circles and played with the little girls, three women came in late and walked past me. He ran right into the last woman and grabbed onto her legs. He was giggling and happy- until he looked up. He saw a face he didn't recognize and then he just stopped. He gave her a look I couldn't decifer, then looked over at me. He let go of her legs and raced over to where I was sitting, put my knees in a strangle hold and layed his head in my lap, his face in her direction, and yelled out, "Mamma's Baby!"

Oh, bestill my heart.

I'll never forget that.

He took ownership of me, and wanted her to know he belonged to me.

Yes! He is without a doubt mamma's baby and has been since I first laid eyes on him.